Archive for December 6th, 2023

I wish I had been more present for You.
By the time it was too late there was no way to really exchange any last words, or wrap up any loose ends.
But at the same time, I don’t know if you can just “conclude” a relationship with someone who pretty much raised you alongside of your parents, just like that, with a few good words and kind gestures.
I’m also not sure if You’d have cared to listen anyway.
I feel awful because part of me is relieved that this is all over: fewer obligations, less guilt, less pain of seeing you slowly but surely going away. I also feel awful because I do not feel as sad as I thought I should be.
Furthermore, I know that I’ve seen much worse departures before, but this is fresh, raw and new. I know this, and I know it will take time.
I don’t believe in god, but I know you did, I guess you’re all reunited together now, we tried to accommodate with your (somewhat) conflicting desires on how to handle your funerals, I hope we made the right choice, but it also feels like we leaned on what was the most “convenient” option.
This clumsy goodbye will never reach you, and I’m writing it more for myself and who care to join my little pity party than anything else.

The past week has been both easy, and difficult mentally…

I’ve been extremely restless, and haven’t really done anything of value, I feel “fine” 99% of the time, but I am having a really hard time focusing on creative work.

It is already mid-December and things are only going to get busier from this point, but I’ll do my best to show some progress on current projects.